Just another brick in the wall.

Travelling always gets me thinking – and is the cause of inspiration for many of my blog posts. Well, as I was sat on the train a few days ago, looking around the carriage (and careful not to make any eye contact, of course), I saw newspapers, books, magazines and phones everywhere. Sat opposite me was a woman who was oblivious to the fact that she was about to be the catalyst for a blog post on some strange page with a fish on it.
She was reading a book. And taunting me by guzzling down a bag of Malteasers. Under normal circumstances, this behaviour wouldn't have even registered in my mind. But, like I've explained, I was on a train, you see. So with little else to do, I contemplated life.
This woman was reading the results of one person's imagination, thoughts, feelings and life experiences (unless she was hiding something far less comprehensive in the middle pages of her book...I'm on to you Malteaser woman!) And I'm almost certain that one can't write a book without putting their heart and soul into it to some degree.
Well, in this rate of technological change, will all of our thoughts and emotions become overlooked? We're becoming a nation of instantaneousness; more and more people are sharing their every thought online through blogging. And now, everyone can be followed on Twitter and Facebook – well are we in danger of over-polluting with our thoughts? It takes seconds to tell people what we're doing, what we're thinking...and if you wanted take the 'Interests' section of Facebook literally, anyone could know what, a few years ago, only your best friends would have known. Are we becoming emotional sluts? Now that we've been given the opportunity, many people are pouring their hearts out to anyone who'll listen.
When I first started studying journalism, I was amazed. To think of the scale of every-day journalism, all over the internet, on shelves, on the TV and radio...it really overwhelmed me. I always wondered how there was so much to say about a 24 hour period. Up to now, it's taken me a year and a half to get my head around journalism – and I still haven't succeeded. Which is a good thing I guess, it keeps it interesting. But behind all of the agenda setting, propaganda and hidden motives, how do we know who to trust? Especially with increasing number of people starting blogs, we have opinions attacking us from all angles. How do we know who's delivering information to us for our own benefit?
With so much information shoved in our faces, so many different views and angles, how do we decide what to pay attention to? If you've read my blog before, it may be slightly apparent that I'm a little against the latest technological 'brainwaves'. Why buy something where you can read a book on a screen...when you can read an actual book for a fraction of the price and still get the nice smell of the paper, too?! Let's just hope that the appreciation of good writing doesn't dwindle too much in years to come.
As more and more information becomes more and more accessible, will we start to pay less attention? I'm sure I can explain this in relative terms – this is blog post number 80.... and are you really paying attention?

Nihon no yume.

I went on a date tonight. With my friend/housemate/fellow journalist Lauren. We went to a Japanese restaurant to contemplate life and throw soy sauce all over ourselves (the latter part of that was just me, naturally). As I talked about my plans to live in Japan (something I do far too often), I got to thinking. What if it never happens? What if I'm bound to the north of England for the rest of my life?
Yesterday, as I walked down my street and saw someone I admire, who I won't name, looking back at me through a window - I think I experienced one of the worst feelings there is to experience - reality. What a horrible, horrible thing that is.
I live in a student house (obviously, being a student and all) so my street isn't exactly paradise.And someone I aspire to be like lives on the same street as me. And while that's good for him, it wouldn't be for me. Okay, so he probably has a lot more inside his house (and wallet) than I do but still.
I want to live in the kind of place that people go on holiday to, a place that makes people happy. Not the kind of place that sucks the life out of you, the kind of place with a road, a pavement and a lampost. I want beautiful things, beautiful Japanese things.
It's made me think; why is there so many people that are happy where they are? People that could go to the other side of the world if they wanted to but are happy down a little street in Lincoln? These kind of people, are they the type that can be content with life and that's it? I think I've already figured out that I'll never be completely happy.
I just can't comprehend how someone can live in a house, on a street, and have a job. And that's it. Okay, so almost everyone does that, so it obviously can't be that difficult to do.
As bad as this sounds, someone said to me last week that they had what felt like a black hole, one that they needed to constantly fill, but it was impossible to do. I found myself secretly agreeing with him. He was talking about his addiction to alcohol.
Do I need to go to the other side of the world because there's something missing? What is it that everyone has that I don't? If you're reading this -please enlighten me, you can find me in Tokyo. I'll be in a Sushi bar, talking about my dreams to go elsewhere.

Bubble bath blues.

When everything gets a little bit too much - what do you do? Someone once asked me this question, and I couldn't reply. When everything seems to be going a little bit wrong, when there's so much to think about that you opt to not think about anything at all, what do you do? I guess some people would choose to have a drink or a cigarette, or a bubble bath...I'm really struggling, though. Listening to music and writing always calm me down,  but what happens when you're relaxed and the problems are still there? No amount of bath water can rinse them away.
I understand that tackling stress is a priority, as it's quite literally, poisonous, but what happen if you can't? A few days ago, I read that 90% of illnesses are caused by stress. I don't smoke, I don't drink caffeine or eat too much bad stuff, I exercise and I meditate, but the one downfall I do have will probably end up killing me. Which is a shame, really...
Just like some people have one particular hangover cure that works wonders, I wish I had one specific thing that really just, completely calmed me down and restored my faith in the world. I could write an endless list of things that remind me how beautiful the world is, at the top of the list is people watching through a Starbucks window, on a rainy day in York. But once my tall, decaf,  black Americano had been devoured, I'd once again be left with the scars of my stressful tendencies.
Another activity I like to indulge in when I need to put the world to right, is sitting on a bench and watching people, in a none-perverted way. There's a park right in the centre of Edinburgh that's perfect. It's a long, narrow stretch of pathway through the bustling city centre, but it's sheltered by grass and trees, and almost seems a million  miles away from where it is. The people that walk through are of every walk of life, busy Scotsmen annoyed by tourists, loud camera-laden Americans, lost Germans... and it's amazing to watch.
However, as all I can stare at out of my window is bricks and washing lines, maybe I should blame the boring view for my stress. And ring the council immediately to ask for a park outside of my window, for health reasons.

The fish still breathes.

I've already written several blog posts delving into descriptions of my desire to have a rich and plentiful life full of designer shoes and traveling. The copious demands that I have for the future are almost laughable, especially with the current downturn of economic growth. I've asked a couple of people, quite bluntly, 'do you think I'll get to live in London, Tokyo, Paris and New York?' followed by 'do you think I'll be able to have a salary of over £50,000 just from being a journalist?' I can tell you that the honest answers following these questions were not received well, but I don't let them bother me.
If you never expect to achieve a lot - there's no way that you will, life isn't going to just surprise you, so I think that the best way to secure a good future for yourself; is to aim as high as you can reach (which is quite a challenge for me, being 5"2).
I think that your path in life is pre-determined by one thing - your mind (I'm aware that I often sound cheesy).The world around us is seen differently by everyone, due to perception. How we perceive situations, problems and opportunities is, in my opinion, very important in shaping our futures.
There's no way of telling where we'll end up, but why am I any less likely than anyone to get a job at Vogue? If I believe I can be very successful, I can make myself as experienced as anyone rivaling me for a job. If you perceive a difficult challenge positively, in the worst case scenario you'll still come away with life experience, mistakes are what shape your success.
Students that are on my course, those beautiful people that surround me every day when I'm at University, seem to already be showing signs of their drive. It's almost boringly easy to select the students who will rise above the rest.
However, it's difficult for me to admit that I don't seem to be one of these shining students. I work for no magazine, I review no gigs, I interview no one, and my search for work experience was to no avail.
However, I think my passion for achieving and wanting to be special in itself, will get me far, even if I never stop wanting.
People can whoosh past me with their work experience, they can make my work their own, they can and do overshadow me, and they can achieve great exam results, but I'll plod along behind them with my determination, just you wait and see. Do I need to point out the 'Hare and the Tortoise' moral here?

Sweet dreams...

I've been thinking recently, about what I imagine my life to be like in a few years time. It seems to consist mainly of writing, travel, and freedom. I can almost smell that beautiful scent that big cities carry, the one that I am dangerously addicted to.
I'm not ashamed to admit that I naively think that as soon as I graduate, I'm going to fall straight into my dream job, and live the life I know I want. I listen to friends tell me that they hope they can afford holidays when they're older, and that they want to win the lottery in order to be able to afford a nice house. They seem uninspired to me, however, importantly, they also seem grounded. Dreaming into the future has made me realise that I have my head so far in the clouds that I don't even think planes could interrupt me.
My imagination seems to predict a life of ease, effortless achievements and, quite frankly, my intelligence really doesn't have the good to back this up.
Doing a relatively easy and popular degree, with no exceptional grades, no impressive work experience and nothing else to make me stand out - what do I possibly thing I can achieve in life? What makes me so special? Well, as cheesy as it sounds, I believe that I want to achieve to the top of my field,I have the urge to inspire people, and I have the mindset that nothing will stop me, and that is what makes me an investment to any employee. I think that the mind is our most powerful tool, and with will power and motivation, surely me believing I will be successful is enough to set my future in stone?

In life, when do we have to stop dreaming and face reality? Does there come a day when we wake up and realise that life is a lot harder than we once anticipated? I know I'm stupidly positive on how I see my life unfolding, but can this not just be seen as endearing? Is it the right mind set to have in order to succeed? And why am I the only person I know that is like this? I'd rather shave my head then utter the phrase ' I think I'll leave University then work in an office for 10 years'.
But as I grow older, will I start to downgrade my hopes and dreams? I can't seem to comprehend why people don't aim for as high as their imagination will possibly let them. I mean, realistic thinking would probably work out in the long run - I'm only going to end up disappointed when I realise that it's quite difficult to be Editor of Vogue with my only work experience being in a Smoothie shop.

Are you single? Or selfish?

Recently, I've been wondering about relationships. To be more specific, I've been wondering to what extent relationships are selfish. I mean, long term relationships, at my age (19).
Traveling back from London last weekend, I made the decision that I have to live there at some point, even if it’s only for a year or so.
Recalling the scene in Cafe’ Nero where I told my boyfriend of this decision isn’t a great pleasure. The conclusion was basically that I will do what I want, and not much can stop me. But is this selfish of me?
I do think that relationships at my age can become a little bit about exploiting our own selfish needs. I mean, yes, we do everything we can to make our other halves feel good about themselves, which isn’t selfish – but aren’t most of the reasons for being in a relationship in the first place quite indulgent? The company...the complements...the security....
My boyfriend said to me yesterday in quite a modest manner that he’d recently been noticing that ‘quite a few girls seem to be staring’ at him. Now is that selfish of me to deny all of these girls what they (apparently) want? I mean, he’s in the prime of his life. He could be in a relationship with me forever and not have sexual contact with anyone else. Surely that’s selfish of me? I mean yes, he loves me and wouldn’t want to do that; but I wouldn’t want the guilt of making him less happy than he potentially could be. Because I love him. Which is a beautiful irony.
I’m not really one to share (boyfriend or chocolate), and the thought of him with another girl isn’t exactly a picnic in my mind, but what if he misses out on opportunities because of me?
Me planning to live somewhere he hates – that’s me recognising what I want to do, and doing it – despite commitment. Is there other wants and needs that cannot be made because of commitment?
If you’re in a relationship, you might have to think twice about spontaneously hopping on a plane for the weekend, or maybe even getting a tattoo. I’m aware that there are a million advantages of being in a relationship that outweigh all of this, but it’s human nature to want what we can’t have – and loose interest in it once we have it. I'm not saying that this is the case for me, of course, I'm too scared to ever get a tattoo.
However, are there any of life’s opportunities that we’re making our other halves miss because of out own selfish needs?
I’d never let being in a relationship jeopardise any other aspect of my life; I want to spend time with friends, I do. I wanted to go to University, I did. I want to live in London, and I will. But is this selfish? Or smart?
I love my boyfriend; but what if, realistically thinking, a better looking girl, more suited to him slips away because of me? I know this is quite morbid, but maybe this honest way of thinking is healthy in a relationship.
I need freedom. I need to be able to say and do what I like. And being in a relationship hasn’t jeopardised this at all, but what about in a few years time? When life throws its ironies, its chances, its ultimatums? And what about him? I know he wants to travel with his job; will he turn down a night out in France? Or a nudist beach in Spain? Do I want to be responsible for him missing out on Spanish sun, sea, sand and sluts? Of course I do, and that’s one of life’s little ironies right there. That’s my hypocrisy, and I’m not changing it for anyone.