Growing up, I think, is like a constant learning curve. We learn things about ourselves all through life. I know a lot more about myself than I did a few years ago. I think that you can really start to understand your weaknesses once you become aware of the fact that you can’t change them. However, I’m becoming increasingly aware of a certain flaw that I seem to have, that, in all honesty, scares me a little. I know that I have an addictive personality, almost to the extent where my theory of mind diminishes and I can’t understand why others don’t feel the same as I do. For instance, how can people merely have a few drinks? How can people stop exercising before feeling like they're about to die? How can people just have one square of chocolate? I’ve unfortunately become aware of the fact that I’m very ‘all or nothing’. I’d go a few days without chocolate because I know that when I get some, I’ll devour it all. But what makes me this way? I remember when I was 16, and I went through a stage being literally dependant on alcohol. I mean taking a bottle of whisky with me everywhere I went, drinking on my own in the daytime, kind of dependency. Even now, I always wonder why I end up the drunkest...
But I want to know the reasons behind it. I'm sure that there are thousands of studies looking into the reasons behind alcoholics and drug addicts. But what about people like me, who just sit on the edge and wonder if it will ever happen to them? Those with slight addictive tendencies that ignore the fact they can see patterns starting to form?
And with every personality flaw, there's always the curiosity of whether it's a genes or an environmental cause. Surely, though, if I'm surrounded by people who can handle normal, healthy amounts of things, then it must be genetic?
It's just, whenever I encounter something beautiful, something that makes me happy...I just want it in excess. Am I just scared of life being too short? Well, at least I have my addictive personality to blame on my urges to blog. Now...where's the chocolate..
I can empathise with a lot in this post. It seems to me that the problem is that I like to escape. Sometimes I just dont like the World, and so, things like Alcohol have let me do that, just pretend for a little while. As soon as you come to the realisation that, there isnt a remedy at the bottom of your last bottle, empty wrapper, you start to see how you are actually making the problem worse. You are increasing the longing, rather than the resiliance to the World, and its madness. We cant escape it totally, but we can find ways to escape that are more healthy, productive, and better for ourselves, than consuming. Thats the key word I think, whatever it is we are trying to fill a hole through consumption. So, find the hole, what made it, put a ring fence around it, and walk around it next time. Notice what you are doing, watch where your mind is leading you, and eventually, you wont need to consume anymore.
ReplyDeleteAnd, dont forget that language can become difficult. At what point are you an 'alcoholic'? At what point are you a 'binge drinker'? All the while Bargain Booze outlets pop up on street corners. We are conditioned in the end to consume, by the World that also then makes us feel bad about it. Madness, isnt it?
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