I'm 20. That's all I can focus on. I'm not a student, I'm not a friend or a daughter. I'm 20. I'm Jess, and I'm 20. As you may be able to tell, I seem to be focusing on the fact that I'm 20.
It was my birthday this week, (I bet you can't guess what age I turned) and although I had a really great day, I tried not to focus on how very, very old I am.
The sad thing is, I would love to indulge in a few cartoons or a game of tig to remind myself that I'm not yet 100. But somewhere over the years, these things have stopped appealing to me, and I'm not too sure when exactly.
Over the last year, The Times has started to capture my eye, I've actually looked forward to doing work, and I'm not particularly looking forward to Christmas. I don't think I like this whole ageing thing.
Age is one of the things in life that we simply have to accept and cannot change, which makes me feel a little claustrophobic.
How do we grow up? We automatically change without realising it as we become more accustomed with the world. How does this happen? I always think 'I'll never be boring and serious or wear plain clothes when Im older' - but it's no good me saying that now, what if cream coloured clothes and nights in front of the televeision are the only things that excite me when I'm older?
I've had several 'mature' conversations recently that have all concluded with 'well, I'm 20 now'. As soon as we leave our teenage years, are we expected to make the right life choices? Are we expected to behave like an adult? The scariest thing is that it starts to happen anyway, without us realising.
I mean, there's nothing wrong with adults, but what if I don't want to be one? We choose where our lives go, we choose our career paths and where we live, but we're all going to end up old and wrinkly, that one's in the cards for us all.
Where is the shift from wanting to get drunk with your friends, to wanting to spend all day in Marks and Spencer's complaining at prices and calling iPods 'tripods'?
It very, very rarely happens, but have you ever seen an elderly women with bright purple hair? I guess this could be a perm gone wrong, but I like to think that a few people skip the mental ageing process, and cling onto their youth.
Maybe I've just watched Peter Pan too many times, as a child obviously, I couldn't watch it now, which is exactly the point I'm making. Changes that happen slowly are the hardest to notice, which is why we can't stop them from happening, or even acknowledge that they're happening. I plan to stay irresponsible and immature forever, but I give you permission to slap me I ever write a blog post about jams, plants, or Wheetabix.
I haven't commented on here for a while, so here goes.
ReplyDelete[cliché warning] You're only as old as you think you are. You're not twenty if you don't want to be twenty. Try being twenteen instead. What's so bad about twenty anyway? Personally, I think twenty-one would be the ideal, that way I can get drunk in America! The opportunities are endless from 21, although I don't think you're legally allowed to hire a minibus until you're 23...
Anyway, my point is youth (especially mentally) is about clinging on. Watch Disney every now and again in your pyjamas, do a finger-painting or even better, potato prints. My girlfriend and I recently broke up and I actually said to someone "I'm almost 21 and we split up, I'm going to end up alone..." and I got a well-deserved MSN-slap for it.
I think the transition is difficult because previously we haven't been programmed to be childish, but now we have to make time for it in between paying people who need to be paid and doing work which needs to be done. There was a Finnish guy who said he had his own Neverland because he didn't want to grow up, one thing he said was, "I see my place in life like a bird in a golden cage - sure, the bars are stunning but it's always closed. Doing all these childish things feels like the cage is open and I can fly around for a while."
I have faith that you could be the most brightly-coloured-haired old lady in all of Christendom. I just takes the will and the energy to keep up with kids these days.